While doing research for a school project, I began to look into the life of Will Howard Taft our 27th President. To say I was shocked by what I found would be an understatement. Taft was an evil man, perhaps the most evil man ever to lead America. Despite this fact, there are schools and hospitals that carry his name. I beg of you, help me get the word out. Take back American history.

First, some trivia:

1. Taft hated farmers and often referred to them as "whores of the earth" in private conversations and correspondences.

2. He lived constantly in fear of being assassinated. Or, as he called it, getting "Lincolned in the back of my head."

3. He once wrote in a Christmas card to his mother that love was "a corrosive lie invented by women and sodomites to weaken the resolve of the strong."

4. He wanted to reinstate slavery, but add "chinamen and frenchies" to those that could be owned.

5. He invented a scale to judge the softness of a stool sample. The Taft Scale of Fecal Firmness is still used to this day.

6. Had eight retarded children that he referred to as "the Daft Taft Pack."

7. He believed that electricity was magic and should be controlled by a task force made up of churches and witches.

8. He believed children should be taxed as foodstuff until the age of four. "It isn't whether you want to eat them that makes them food; it's whether you can eat them. At five, they run too fast and are harder to trick."

9. He was our fattest president.

10. Cut number of hobos in half during his presidency by leaving poison cans of beans in open cargo cars. Also, He opened a series of hobo death camps where, "the lazy and the shiftless are free to spend their final days having knife fights for the amusement of the wealthy."

Taft became president on March 3rd, 1909. He took the oath of office while dressed as a comic cowboy with an oversized hat. After repeating his oath of office his shot into the air with his six shooters while shouting, "You all made the mistake and now you have to live with it!" After appointing his cabinet, he took them on a tour of a cemetery. He had arranged for there to be empty graves with a tombstone inscribed with each cabinet member's name.

His many attempts to outlaw farming in the US met with resistance from many groups. Tempers got so high that Taft once wrote to his mother, "As the passions of agricultural debate flow through our veins like liquor through an inebriate, I fear that the whores of the earth may Lincoln me in the back of my head."

The press felt that America had perhaps elected its first dictator, but his vice-president, James Sherman, was quick to jump to the president's defense. "The president consults me on all important decision. Whether it is the sorcery of the light bulb or the tricking of hobos, the American people can rest easy knowing that I am by his side. Why just this morning Mr. Taft called me in to ask if I thought his feces was too soft. Certainly the American people can take heart from that."

After the infamous Lard Scandal of 1912, Taft's reelection was called into question despite a moving speech to the American people asking for their forgiveness. "I was under the mistaken impression that lard was lard no matter what animal it came from. I apologize to all who partook of our hobo lard, it was an unfair position you were placed in. Still, you have to admit they were delicious for a bunch of old lay bouts and drifters..."

He was appointed to the Supreme Court after his eventual loss, where he remains to this day.


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Copyright 2003 David Wahl